| sparrow song |
[September 30, 2007 @ 3:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
do it again [chemical brothers] |
] |
old man winter
(silent but heavy-footed)
rifles through his ammunition
and barrages us with gales and lighting.
we are sparrows
braving winter's tempered knuckles,
only to cave to
butterflies and primroses mixing potent
in our warm bellies.
we lay,
- hearts flitting, beating brittle wings -
in the only spot winter
has not yet stumbled upon.
your profile reminds me
of the eastern coast
and i find myself in libraries
and book stores,
running my fingers along atlas pages
imagining.
(eye to telescope:
winter now has both eyes closed)
we were accidental
our grey that took over the world
i nestle into sea-cliffs
and wait for summer to change our colour
------
something relatively recent that makes me happy i am writing again.
otherwise, we are almost four months into being married and it's lovely. today is our three-year anniversary of meeting and beginning this life together. and i am home alone, wandering the halls and trying to write, and he is at work, wishing he was here instead.
i miss the online me that i left behind so long ago. i wish i could find her again, i will try. but i am not expecting much.
xo;
|
|
| fragments |
[May 20, 2007 @ 2:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
innocence [bjork] |
] |
- less than three weeks to go until i am a married woman. this is exciting.
- i am also writing again. which makes me a very happy girl. some of it is great, some of it is utter crap. but, still, i'm writing. :)
- i am currently piecing together my own studio. piece by piece. i will buy studio lights and backdrops slowly over the next year so that by the time we move out into a bigger place i will have everything ready to go.
- not much else to report, apart from the fact that my car hates me and wants to kill me.
- i am currently addicted to 'innocence' by bjork. amazing song.
xo;
|
|
| bitch bitch bitch |
[March 25, 2007 @ 2:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bitchy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
pulp fiction soundtrack |
] |
y'know sometimes i just want to fucking give up. editing is going no where because in brisbane, unless you know someone, or know someone who knows someone then you'll never get a foot in the door. and my writing is slowly picking up, mind you i write a sentence then delete it, then re-write it, then delete it. it's a very painful process. and photography... well... photography. this dingy little unit has terrible lighting and no room and no one who has a proper house with lighting seems to be around to lend me their room and all my normal models have disappeared off to toowoomba for the month and well... i am just keeping my fingers crossed that someone amazing says yes to taking me on for work experience/assistant stuff.
the only thing that is on track right now is the wedding plans... and even then the invites are way too far behind for my liking. i wish i had followed my gut and said no to this friend designing them...
i am still searching for web space at a reasonable price. i started designed the page and then realised that hey, i'm really not that good at design. perhaps i should get someone else to do it.
i should also reply to aidan about my tattoo design. that excites me.
god i'm bitchy today. this is shocking.
|
|
| meeting of the ants |
[January 09, 2007 @ 8:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
random |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
crack hitler [faith no more] |
] |
there are ants all over my fucking desk and i think that they're taking over because of the rain outside. but my brain likes to run away with itself tonight and it is imagining that they are a tiny army who are invading and conquering and then holding a massive ant comic book convention. i see mini ant-skywalkers in my brain and that makes me smile.
but there are so many fucking ants. hiding between the keys of my keyboard.
you know, if i had enough money or could get a grant, i would travel the world and take photographs of the people who have od's and lj's. and i would write about them, or let them write about themselves. and it would be this awesome book of real people who only exist to some others in binary. it's such a beautiful idea in my head. maybe someday i'll get the chance to do it.
the sky is threatening rain but nothing ever comes of its grumbles apart from a few lousy spits. come on mother nature. let loose.
i feel like getting fucking stoned.
|
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| green tree of hope |
[January 08, 2007 @ 7:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
inside of you [hoobastank] |
] |
taken in a little town called maleny, australia.
my first nature shot. ever.
i think i like it.
i am keeping myself as busy as possible. i am working full-time in a job that will ruin my brain. that takes 38 hours of my life a week. i am also photographing more and more, which is lovely because i've missed it. i am trying to weazle my way in with a local magazine for work experience in editing. and also possible photography. i am starting a novel. although it is in early stages and might not go anywhere. (there are so many that go that way). i am playing games with the boy which is glorious. and i am planning the wedding. which is going well. i think. i hope i'm on schedule.
mm dinner calls.
[meanwhile, i am completely addicted to inside of you by hoobastank. it's just so sexy]
xo;
|
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| teeth |
[January 06, 2007 @ 8:16am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
[none] |
] |
i absolutely hate getting those little reminders in the mail from the dentist saying "it's time for your check up". man, if i want to come and get my teeth ripped out of my head, i will decide when that happens. although, it kind of does need to happen. i've been avoiding it for the past 5 months and i doubt that's helped my teeth any.
i need to have some breakfast and then get going. much to do today. bank. post office. shopping. video store. fruit store. rent. and other general arsing about that i do when i have a day off.
i need to be here more often.
i say that too much.
fuck i hate dentists.
|
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| bold and the beautiful |
[July 17, 2006 @ 1:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
succexy [metric] |
] |
i keep getting distracted.
distracted by stress. distracted by magazines and new music and things that really shouldn't be taking precedence over things i SHOULD be doing right now. i should be getting stuff ready for a production meeting on wednesday. i should be organising stff for uni tomorrow. (having to be back at uni this semester, a fact i am still seething over) i should be doing the washing up before the boy gets home. i should be eating lunch. i should be touching up more photographs for the exhibition.
at least now my car is fixed and one of my teeth is fixed. one more tooth to go and i should be right. at least for a while. i hope. now all i need to do is pay off my credit card, on which i have a $1000 debt. plus keep trying to save for the holiday/wedding.
i finally made it to a 21st last night for one of my uni friends. i haven't been to any of their parties for most of the year, always working or too tired or opting to spend the one night of the week with the boy. but last night we both made an effort, despite him being dog tired ad me being headachy. and i am so glad i did. it was wonderful to catch up with all the boys and girls and remember just how crazy we all are. running around as the bold and the beautiful there were boys with eyepatches and girls in wedding dresses and pregnant youngsters and the doctor who bribes everyone. it was fabulous. although the highlight of the night was seeing ben. the boy who had a hold on my heart for the first few years of uni and who i do not see much anymore. i miss his friendship. and it made my heart soar when he hugged me and whimpered 'i miss my kimmy.' i need to get back in proper contact with that boy.
and the next highlight was coming home and snuggling in bed with the boy and having him tell me that if he died right now he would be completely happy because he has met me. and that these have been the best almost two years of his life. i love how he always tells me how beautiful i am. i love how every day he can look at me and tell me that he loves me even more with every passing second. i love how i can see that in his eyes. i love how he loves me, and i love how i love him. it makes me completely happy. and completely full.
i am taking the boy to see some contemporary dance on thursday night. i think he is very scared, but he is still agreeing to go with me. that makes me smile. i think he might enjoy it.
oh god i've missed just writing. just writing everything down that's happening or in my head. i have this way of convincing myself that there are not enough hours in the day.
enough babbling. it is time for lunch, perhaps an episode of 'monk' and then... cleaning! and perhaps some photoshopping.
xo;
|
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| msn conversations rock my socks |
[June 25, 2006 @ 10:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
reanimation album [linkin park] |
] |
fuck i love cher. she keeps me sane.
facsimile of a girl says: DUDE
facsimile of a girl says: I'M GOING BLONDE
Ohhhh my head says: you doudaj;slfWHAT?
facsimile of a girl says: hahahahaha
facsimile of a girl says: sometime in the next month i'm gonna go white blonde
facsimile of a girl says: just for the fuck of it
Ohhhh my head says: get fucked
I'm too busy being delicious says: OH SHIT
I'm too busy being delicious says: IS THAT THE TIME?!
I'm too busy being delicious says: FUCK
I'm too busy being delicious says: I TOLD ZOE
I'm too busy being delicious says: I WOULD MEET HER AT TWO
I'm too busy being delicious says: OMG
agent filtre' says: HAHAHAHAHAHA
I'm too busy being delicious says: SHIT
I'm too busy being delicious says: DAMNIT KIMMY
I'm too busy being delicious says: YOU DISTRACTING WHORE
I'm too busy being delicious says: HAHAHA
I'm too busy being delicious says: I LOVE YOU! ARE YOU FREE MONDAY NIGHT?!
agent filtre' says: yes, i am free monday
I'm too busy being delicious says: GOOD
agent filtre' says: ad luke's working so sweeet!
I'm too busy being delicious says: I AM BOOKING YOU
agent filtre' says: YAY!
I'm too busy being delicious says: WOO!
agent filtre' says: I WILL MARK YOU DOWN IN MY CALENDAR UNDER 'HOT PIECE OF ASS CHER'
I'm too busy being delicious says: HAHAHAH FUCK YAH
agent filtre' says: FOR 6PM
I'm too busy being delicious says: YOU KNOW IT
I'm too busy being delicious says: YOURS OR MINE?
agent filtre' says: HMMMM
agent filtre' says: I DUNNO
agent filtre' says: WE'LL ROCK OFF
I'm too busy being delicious says: OK
I'm too busy being delicious says: ON HE COUNT OF THREE
I'm too busy being delicious says: TYPE YOUR SHAPE
I'm too busy being delicious says: 1
I'm too busy being delicious says: 2
I'm too busy being delicious says: 3
I'm too busy being delicious says: PAPER
agent filtre' says: ROCK
I'm too busy being delicious says: YES
agent filtre' says: DAMN
tomorrow is run around day. ie, the day i spend running around the city trying to organise my exhibition and trying to persuade people to do things cheap for me. maybe i should wear something revealing ha. or flutter my eyelashes or some shit. good luck to me.
|
|
| stupid girl |
[June 22, 2006 @ 9:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
knights of cydonia [muse] |
] |
there is a check list of things i must do. i am slowly getting through them, though not at the pace i had hoped. and yet, here i am. i have another two hours by myself in which to do work before the boy gets home, and i am writing in my livejournal and trying to decide whether i should a) watch a movie b) play halo or c) play max payne 2. i should do more work. i should email the list of twenty theatre companies i have and see if they'll put me on their media list for reviews. i should finish the thank you letter to my father before my sister jumps right down my throat. i should be looking at costs for printing photographs for my exhibition. gah. tomorrow, i tell myself. tomorrow.
tomorrow i must book my car in for another $250 thing that needs to be fixed. tomorrow i need to make an appointment to view my exhibition space. tomorrow i need to set up photo-shoot times with models. tomorrow i also needs to go to work.
in other news. i spoke to him about that person in his life that was making things difficult for me. we sorted things out and although right now it seems okay, i cannot help but think that given a few weeks we will be back to where we started. cher and i spoke briefly on the matter tonight, wondering how it is they can be so close when no one really knows who he is, especially the boy. but anyway.. things between us are wonderful. i am still letting go, but he is helping me as much as he can. abd he is being more truthful, which helps so much more than he realises.
i am looking into entering some poetry competitions so i can take another step towards being published. i am also looking into selling some of my old things on ebay so i can make some money. i am dreadfully low right now. soon i will be in too much debt to get out of easily.
look at how boring i have become. i think it is time for food, maybe an episode of criminal intent, and then perhaps a movie... or a game. i still haven't decided.
xo;
|
|
| blown youth |
[June 11, 2006 @ 10:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
hey daddy [korn] |
] |
february went so slowly, yet the months afterward have flown by.
i have been involved in theatre shows, in assessment, in random 21st get-togethers. i am co-ordinating my photographic exhibition, to be happening in august. i am saving money. i am hating my car that is costing me yet another $500 to get fixed. it cost me $1800 to buy, so far it has cost me $2000 to keep it running. i sometimes wonder if it's worth it.
apart from car issues things are wonderful. the boy and i are saving for the big day. we are collecting passport applications and staring longingly through the windows at every travel agent. i am loving him, and slowly making myself forget he ever had a past with anyone else. i am slowly blocking out those girls faces, the images of him kissing anyone else. i am slowly becoming comfortable knowing that another girl has slept beside him in the bed we now share. it will be okay. because he is mine. i know that, and it helps.
the only thing i have to work up the courage for sometime is to let him know how much i don't like that person in his life. and it sounds horrible but i know i am not alone in this and that makes me a little more comfortable in my convictions. still, there is nothing i can do and until he asks or it comes up in conversation i am going to try and not let it get to me, or between us.
it has been so long since i sat before this screen and poured out my feelings into empty white boxes. and while i have so many feelings bottled up inside of me it feels a little difficult to get them out. as much as i want to. maybe another day when i do not have the task of re-writing my first chapter hanging over my head.
he will be home in less then forty-five minutes. i must prepare the couch for criminal intent and snuggling.
xo;
|
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| autumn is here |
[March 01, 2006 @ 1:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
none |
] |
february is finally gone. i thought this would clear my veins of any unease they were feeling durng that long arduous month. but i am still miserable.
these past few days have been draining. not because i have been doing anything strenuous, but because my body is failing on me. i am crying at inopportune moments; while eating dinner, saying goodbye before he goes to work, laughing at an online joke. i am curling myself into the corner to shield myself from this thing inside of me.
i used to be so adept at hiding this. why can't i do it anymore?
i am restless, but i can't pull myself from my room.
we have an inspection in half an hour. i suppose i should clean myself up.
|
|
| monalisa |
[February 19, 2006 @ 9:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
macarron chacarron [el mudo] |
] |
i spent the better half of yesterday afternoon with a six month old girl who has white-blonde hair and big blue eyes. every time she looked at me she would grin and then blow a raspberry. sometimes i wish we kept that innocence.
tonight i am in the mood for subtitled films, face masks, opium incense, candles and red wine.
who wants to send me love letters?
xo;
|
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| black for mourning. red for you. |
[February 06, 2006 @ 6:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
clap hands [beck] |
] |
i had a dream where i changed the way that i dressed, and when i went outside, everyone was wearing the same thing, or similar things. then there were a whole heap of models around me, and they were teasing me for being short.
sometimes my dreams really confuse me.
so i went out today and bought four dvd's.
ferris buellers day off/napoleon dynamite/mean girls/election.
and i bought a red and black silk top.
to make me feel better.
i also sold my blue bondage pants for $70.
this makes me sad. but they
will never fit me again.
say goodbye.
meanwhile, lee and nicki have agreed to be my models for a day! hoorah. i told them i have bubbles and rainbows in store for them, because they love shiny things and nicki has this beautiful frizzy hair that will just look amazing in a close up with a sneaky grin on her face. now all i need to do is buy new batteries for my camera.
today feels nice.
maybe it is the rain.
<3
|
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| make me beautiful |
[February 04, 2006 @ 12:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
a perfect lie [the engine room] |
] |
i am listening to the theme track for nip/tuck on repeat because it makes me feel something within these bones. meanwhile, i am still trying to find a hairstyle that i want.. and i cannot decide on anything except the colours. it's royally pissing me off. i am tempted to go to the hairdresser and just say 'go crazy' or something of the like.
i somehow accidently met the production manager of metro arts, the theatre/gallery that i have been wanting to get my photography into for months now. he told me to email him and he will see what he can do for me. squeal. brisbane is such a small town. now all i need to do is get some excellent photos together, take some more un-me ones and send them to him. i need to go on a rampage.
nag champa incense is the best in the whole world.
hello again lj, my despondent lover.
<333333
|
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| heroine chic. |
[December 06, 2005 @ 10:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
restless |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
la mor amore [paris combo] |
] |
gutter mouth
mashing teeth gripping
nicotine lips. you're limp wrists,
irises on the verge of
murderous rage
murder of crows you
disarm charming touch
high voltage fingers
it's gasping midnight madness
writhing under white while
faces are pushed relentlessly
into sunken pillows.
so it's been a while. i've somehow lost myself along the way, burying this mind in addictions and fractured worlds. brett easton ellis is helping me along my way. heroine chic. i am on holiday. i am three states away from home and my body is shutting down on me. another breakdown. another broken tooth. another hole punched into myself. we fly home in two days. i cannot decide whether to be excited or not. three days ago i did not want to go home but i am restless here. so anyway, update done, muse still refusing to return after three months and counting, i think i need to be here more often. <33
|
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| you left your cigarette's |
[August 30, 2005 @ 9:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 listless |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
for tammy rae [bikini kill] |
] |
i sent you home
wind-swept, hair
filled with the
smell of early morning
hours and unspoken
words, rain in your eyes
like tears.
i cannot look at your
lips, reminding me of
times that i could not
speak, breath your name
too drunk to walk
properly on the
sidewalks.
you write to me of
broken hearts and longing
that i could fix,
but tell you i cannot.
my fingers are wrapped in
something more than
this. i do not need
to tell you why.
and i sent you home
pouted lips, your
stockings in your bag.
you left your cigarette's
on my nightstand, as if
you were to get them back.
you will not. and
you will thank me
for this.
i cannot say why, do not ask. tonight i am distraught, i am pulling at my hair, at my clothes. i have small pieces of paper strewn about my bedroom. maybe i am just destructive. but tonight calls for it. i have packages unsent. things to do. i have things to take care of. but they all seem like they can wait. i wish i could sleep.
|
|
| knives in backs, attack. |
[July 17, 2005 @ 12:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
genocide [the offspring] |
] |
it is funny how you think someone knows everything about you, and in one instant you realise that they don't, and they never will.
so maybe you are over-reacting a little to this, but of course in your own mind you are not. you are justified. he did not realise. he did not notice. and that hurts. or maybe he did, but chose not to say anything. does that hurt more, or less? you do not know. maybe this is something petty, but it has happened before. and it's the part of you that you never share with anyone else, and the fact that he did not notice makes you wonder if it's really anything that spectacular, if anyone really cares. and you know he will realise eventually, but only after you've pushed him and shoved him into noticing.
he's the sort of boy that always asks
even though he is going to do it anyway
or already has.
and so you sit at your bedroom window, seething, with a cigartte in hand which just makes this day a hundred times worse than it already was. you always know how to change the dramatics of a situation. and you will lock yourself away for a few days, only come out to go to the bathroom. you will not shower. you will not eat. you will not brush your teeth. you will not change your clothes. you are disgusting, but you are the truth. you know this is disgusting, but this is your truth.
and maybe you will think you are over-reacting
to this a little, but you cannot stop yourself
once you've started snowballing.
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vintagestory's journal
